I just threw up on my dentist
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
