btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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