She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
