Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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