I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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