she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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