Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
