My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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