Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
