Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
