I cannot find my penis.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
