it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
