Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
