Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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