Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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