Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize