woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
