I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
