I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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