Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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