the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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