too bad you live with your parents still
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm always down for nudity.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
