There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also, beer. Big fan.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
