How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
