what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
