I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Let's paint friendship bongs
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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