I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
