Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
