i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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