just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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