You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
