my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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