I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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