When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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