Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
