I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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