I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
