I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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