Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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