And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
