In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
