i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
