They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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