I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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