we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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