Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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