it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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