You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
