One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize