I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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