i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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