How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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