i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
