Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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