I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
