If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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