i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize