She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize